Appliances Are Monsters


I like it when appliances break.
It scares me that with a “lifetime warranty” an appliance can outlive me. I have dreams and goals but I have so little time to fulfill them. That pile of metal over there needs only to perform trivial tasks on a day-to-day basis and yet we are allotted the same time span?
Remind me who makes these rules again.
I’m going to defy you Father Time. One of these days I’ll catch fire and rebel. Prepare yourself.
I find myself glaring at the oven. I know it isn’t alive but in my frustration I feel that it teases me. As I run past it periodically throughout the day trying to make it to my next errand that oven gloats,”We’re on the same timetable, don’t forget.”
I microwave most of my food now.
Microwaves seem like a more mild appliance. Like a drunk uncle that randomly writes you big checks. Sorry, tangent.
Anyway, the whole world is bursting with opportunity but I have only two hands to grasp ahold of what I want. I have small hands too. Gosh. Amid my clock ranting, my small hands and my frustration (coupled with that oven teasing me) I’m reminded that I have barely any time. As another day slips through my fingers I sit and wonder if I spent my time wisely. I search my brain for answers but I look at my watch because deep thinking cuts at my time. That appliance just
sits there and enjoys its life. It works only when it is forced to and it is rewarded with rest for the remaining 23.5 hours of the day. It never worries, it never has conflicting commitments. I envy that villain.
I deserve more time. “Lifetime warranty” is a terrible idea.
It all works out though because every time I need a new toaster I feel as though I laugh at the life of cheap appliances, for those things cannot be alive the day I am not. Those tiny monster machines with no real agenda finally have to admit that I deserve more time than them. As I throw the fried toaster away I see that I’m winning. I pull the trash can across the kitchen floor. I want the oven to witness this.
Every victory is sweet.
I’ll make the most of my time. I might use some of that time to sabotage my oven though.


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