Frustrated Thoughts

I’m unsure of how I how I’ll handle this.
And I just can’t figure out why time isn’t my friend…
The sun goes up and smiles but the moon makes my nights long with its mocking laughs.
And I just can’t figure out why time isn’t my friend…
I’m happy now,
But I can’t figure out why time isn’t my friend…


To You, Jack

“Answer me.
Come on. This isn’t a game.”
Running my fingers through my hair I see why he did it. He’s always been this way.
Calm down.
“Look at me. Life happens. We all make mistakes. You’ll be fine but you need to change.”

Hey, the above conversation changed my life and I didn’t know it.

My best friend. How could he? Does he have any idea what he means to me? Why would he do that? He knows being a troublemaker isn’t ever a good idea. What will his mom do? She doesn’t need this.

Hey, the above conversation never actually took place, but I wish it had.

I can tell you some funny stories about Jack, he’s my family. I’m really close to him in a distant way but that’s always worked for us. A couple years back Jack changed. He went from my buddy to someone I didn’t know. Life at night makes certain promises to wandering teens. He believed them and the boy who once sat under the evergreen with me was gone the second he breathed in the smoke of those burning promises.
I got a call.
Jack was in an accident, there is head trauma involved somehow and I’m 4 hours away.


I was so afraid. I should’ve talked to him when the trouble started. Was it too late now? Did I have the opportunity to save his life but my pride choked the light out of my intentions?
I couldn’t forgive myself. If I lost him…

Jack healed. But I haven’t talked to him about it, even now. I don’t want him to think that I’m judging him because I’m not. I just want him to see his worth and potential. He doesn’t need drugs, more jail time or another intervention. He needs someone to love him more than anyone else. I need to look out for him.
He isn’t the same.
You aren’t the same, Jack. But one day I will have to courage to talk to you. Until then, I’ve written out my heart on the topic of you. You’re family, I’m sorry I haven’t been the family you deserve through all of this.
To you, Jack,
I love you for what it is worth. You have a greatness in you.


Coming out of nothing it finds me. A splash. It surprises me.

Joy, pure joy is like a splash.

I sit and read your book, splash. I’m drenched.

My friends and I jump into the unknown with crossed fingers and somehow we land in a puddle. Joy must have accumulated here.

I’d say joy is like rain but I like to think that joy does not come in small drops. Although you could argue that joy is a constant thing that we simply choose to ignore at times like an ignored rain storm but I believe that joy comes in large, unannounced amounts all of the time.

As I admire the world I am joyful. We have so much to live for, why we forget that I’ll never understand. I find joy in the way those people carry on and I find joy in the picture that love paints. Most of all I find joy in the simple act of breathing. You could argue this but I do not think you would be in a chipper mood if you did not have oxygen, friend.

Next time you feel gloomy find where the splash is. Seek it out, it is there. When life gives you lemons, do not water them down. Instead eat them, that sour taste may spur you to get up and receive your joy! You are worth more than you know and that joy is ready to surprise you.


A sat on my star last night.

You know the one.  If you have forgotten, go outside by the rainbow well. Look up and count 9 stars to the left of the moon. If you are able to do that, maybe you should.

I sat on my star and thought about you. I can’t explain why but I think I might be sad. After all you moved, you packed up all of your clouds and left. Somehow you forgot to grab your rays of sunlight on your way out. I sleep with them every night so I never forget how you smell. I hope you don’t mind.

It started to rain while I was thinking. You always liked the rain. I remember how you used to run outside in the middle of a sentence because you were always worried that the rain would stop before you got to run through it. I filled my eyes with the drops that fell. To do this I had to drop down from my star for a little bit but I didn’t mind. Later I would lose these drops I saved for you. I began to think of you and they fell right out of my eyes. I’m sorry. I will replace then, I promise.

I looked into space and let my mind wander. A gust of wind nearly knocked me off of my star. I looked down in anger hoping to curse the weather that startled me so but I noticed it was a jet. How foolish would I look cursing a jet?  It sounds like something you would do. I was always too reserved when I got angry. You taught me how to get mad in a healthy way. Now I no longer own my notebook dedicated to, “Things that make me want to start a riot,” because now I handle things differently.

The moon was particularly sassy last night. I asked him if he wanted to sing a song with me and he ignored me. Isn’t there a song that has to do with the moon and not paying attention to your son? I thought so. I started to sing that song to him. He got so mad he started to fade away. I think I taught him a lesson.

I figured that I had spent too much time on my star so I tried to get down. My dress got caught on that stubborn point, you know the one that is just a little longer than the others. I laughed with the point as I removed my dress from it. I made my dress apologize.

I opened my sock drawer and noticed that you had left your bottle of tornadoes tucked in the back of the cedar moving box. I opened it, the tornado was getting claustrophobic. He thanked me and returned to the bottle after he had done his fair share of damage to my perfume bottles. Well now they are puddles and broken glass.

One last thing, I walked down the poppy path behind that old cabin we used to visit for picnics. I picked a flower and took it to you. Your gravestone is sad-looking. Reading your name through blurry eyes I sing a hymn. How we miss you. And I’ll have you know, I’m wearing that pink dress you liked so much. I remember you told me that I looked like the April Wind. That’s when I knew you liked me, after all the April Wind was your favorite thing, barely beating out the rain. I must return now, the heavens will only leave the sky open for so long. It is moments like this in which I wish I had told you about this hope my mother taught me. Had I given into my heart, I would have shared that hope with you and you would be with me. I’ll be taking a flower back with me as well. I will never forget you, and I will never forget what I forgot to do.

You Never Asked, But Here Is The Script To “Us”

Forgive me if the following is a bit disheveled. I just want you to know how I feel.

You inspired some of my greatest work, there is no doubt that you were my muse. It was you who breathed the melody I tried to write words to in hopes of a perfect song. I have noticed though, that you are not worth my words. You never were. It is sad, I see now that those words were wasted. They were wasted on a little boy who could not see two feet in front of himself. As I noticed this, I began to hang the blame on myself. This started by looking in the mirror and forgetting who I was. I questioned my traits, characteristics and looks. This is a side effect that no one should cause. From this I can see that you were a total waste. You became my first lost cause today. You played with my heart and the worst part is, I don’t think you even cared. You sat in your grey world and this burst of sunlight went unseen. Your eyes were fixed and your head unturned. What a waste, these lovely words were spent to buy empty love. How could you see the rain and yet still turn to the fire? Being caught up in you was like running on a cliff. I enjoyed the view and thought that maybe you could be my partner, but then the edge came and you were the one pushing me. You are an unfilled canteen, nothing but a thirst that will go unquenched. I lied to myself for too long because I chose to see the good in you, the good that wasn’t there. As I write this I shed a tear and I remember those daydreams. I remember thinking that you were going to be mine and that someday I would tell you everything.
Now you whistle and I do not hum along. How far we have come. Please just look the other way and let me sit here. Perhaps this silence will be good for me and maybe it will open your eyes. But I have to let go and I have to embrace silence. My heart is too fragile for this and my lips are tired of saying your name.

Blissful Confusion

You. I have a hard time writing about you. I haven’t noticed your walk and I haven’t categorized your laugh. Maybe this is because I haven’t had enough time, but maybe it is because you and I aren’t the same and he and I were.
I had time to take him in. I daydreamed for longer than I care to admit and that made every part of him a chapter to this movie I had been watching all along. I listened to him for a long time and he heard me in return. We joked and laughed and remained the same. You and I haven’t landed on that stone in the path yet.
Am I being guarded, my dear? If so I apologize. You see, you haven’t given me much to go off of. You say one thing and do not finish the other. You make me smile but after a while I rub my head out of confusion. Do you, or don’t you? Do I, or don’t I?
I try to keep him out of this but I can’t help but compare my heart’s notes. He and I made sense, but we never came to be. You and I make sense but will we ever come to be?
He looked at me, but he looked past me. After all, he had to. Will you though?
I can’t seem to make these ends meet. I’ve been sitting in this tree for so long, I don’t want to come down and face my problems at eye level. From this high up everything is right. I love the times when we are in a good place, but my confusion is overtaking them.
He confused me too.
Does that mean history is repeating itself?

My Resolution

This year I will fall in love.

Now when I say this I don’t mean that I have to fall in love with my Mr. Right. I just have to fall in love with something.

Be it poetry,
or music,
or laughter.

This year I will fall in love.

I’ll leave all of my fears at the doorstep of 2013 and I will walk into the party that takes place inside. I will forget my past and begin to climb the stairs of this new year. I will hold close to my friends, my family and my faith.

Now, my Mr. Right, if you care to meet me this year, feel free to do so. I’d love to get to know you. We could laugh and sing and do handsprings.

This year I will fall in love.

I will fall in love with the beauty of Creation. I will fall in love with what I have become. I will fall in love with words, I will continue to write. I will never tell myself, “You can’t” and I will make myself try new things.

This year I will fall in love.



I just want to run. You make me want to forget but you beg me to remember. I want to clinch my jaw, tighten my fist and pound through these walls. I want to be away from here, please. You confuse me and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. Yes? No? Would you make up your mind? I’m lacing up my running shoes now. Stop me before I start. I tease you as I bend down to tie the first string, you laugh along and I think I hear you say, “Don’t do that,” but maybe it is all in my head. I loop the string and lay the other on top of it. Stop me, really. Running is the only way out of this. You smile and I remember that I shouldn’t have even put these running shoes on my feet. My feet belong here. Wait, wait, wait. You are changing your mind? Or is this how you’ve felt this whole time? Please, make a move. Do SOMETHING!No? Fine then, here we go. I tie the first shoe and move to the second. There may be murmuring in the background but I close my eyes tight and continue to tie. Both shoes are ready. They are tied in sad, yet secure knots. I’m running. Don’t try to stop me.
My knees bend and I lean forward, I’m going. My heart is yelling at my feet, “GO, GO!” but my feet remain here. Please, would you give a shove, I need to run but I cannot. I need you to do something. Either untie these shoes or push me forward. Your choice. But every moment you wait my heart sinks more and more.